our shades

Couldn't help but to add one more tonight. This was taken a few wks back and it's a favorite of mine.... I think he looks just adorable here.

We go out riding around and whenever ppl see him in these shades, they can't help but to smile...

me too!!!

look at that face

I took this yesterday w/ my telephone while he was playing in his blow up pool.

There are a 100 balls in his pool and it still wouldn't be enough if I started to list all the reasons why and how I love this little boy. He's my love bug.... and I find myself wishing he'd stay this way... altho I know it's not possible, I just find that I adore him more and more each day, and know that one day he'll be all grown up and not slap me in the face early in the morning to let me know it's time to get up or give me kisses just because.

He said mama yesterday.... I was thrilled.... can't wait for him to hold out his arms and say it!! oh yeah... not sure if I mentioned it, but he's crawling now :)

sometimes it's possible

Found Happiness


Busy sidewalks
People walking
all about
Men in thobes, ghitrahs
Faces from far away
places
Dark skin, light skin, red skin, tan skin
Tall, skinny, fat and proud
Smells emerging
as spices simmer
in pots
large enough to bathe in
Men on bicycles,
pedaling along
Down streets
of busy markets
In the middle
of the suq and in the sun
Side streets
are bustling
on this busy afternoon
Shwarmas galore
In beef and chicken
Smells
so sweet
your tummy dances around
People selling pieces
of their
priceless treasures
from far away lands
Happiness
found me
today
on these small, tiny streets
Old
buildings
surround me
brick pavement beneath me
Sometimes
all you can hear
are
honking sounds
I searched
and
found happiness
it's here and there,
it's everywhere
I sat and watched
the people
working away
there were people
talking
and walking
Running
and singing aloud
Children laughing
in the sun
Swings,
slides and
monkey bars
A calmness surrounds me
Finally,
after so long.




i wrote this back in jan. 2006 about bahrain. i thought i'd never find happiness here... but whatta know... it comes from the weirdest of places... right when you're not even looking for it and least expect it.... and then not long after that, i got pregnant.... interesting, i'd say.

what do you call it?

Charming Madness



My mind floods through to the core
Minutes
Slowly they slide through obscurity
…. I let it beckon me
it's easier to escape into my mind
Madness can sometimes surround me
In
and throughout this dark room.
Heavy breathing ………………………………….
And you are beside me
So much
it's all around.

My mind
So vast
Stretching here……………… and then sooooooooooooo far
It takes me to a different realm
I see it,
It shows me one after one
Or it can be
Like a fast picture show.

I laugh and I scream
I cry and I shout
It's only a movie
But I am worn out.

Me, yes……………..
Hi, I'm a Virgo and
A Fire Horse
It's so nice to meet you
Isn't it nice outside?

Laugh, no cry
The wit
and oh ………
the charm.
My inspiration
Now, there's a word
C H A R M.

Yes, I'm a cynic
But most writers are
Use it
Be creative
My inner power.

Writing
My mind
Funny,
how it escapes me
As I remind myself to breathe
Madness?
Many try to show and even say it is so

I believe
That only you will know.



not sure when i wrote this. either last year or year before. it's a favorite of mine.

is it sunday already?

Moody Sunday


What's in a mood?

Swinging
here to there
Never staying to rest long
In her home away
from home

Swayed
by the weather?
I would seriously ponder
that thought

Tempered by fate
Weathered by change

Not alone on this path

As she swims through a
cluttered mind
Exhaling bubbles of life
Into the unforgotten state
of sweet tasting
Clarity



this is a poem i wrote last year... and since it's sunday and since i found it today... thought it was appropriate.

another one bites the dust!

why me??? here my hair is already thin... not like i can stand to even lose a few strands, but low and behold, my hormones are shifting and my hair has started to fall out. i sorta thought it might slow down by now, but it seems to be getting worse. a friend of mine who had her baby 2 mths before me, started losing hair at 4 mths, and told me it was coming out in the handfuls, but she has lush, thick hair... but she still panicked. now... i am. her dr. gave her some stuff for it, i'm maybe wanting some of this! ;)

well, my sister has left on a 9 day vacation to Yosemite National Park. i'm totally wanting to go. i wish i was there to go w/ them. she took katelyn camping at nine mths, in the freezing cold and she loved it! the pictures are adorable.... i think naief would really love it. well... maybe the next time. since they go every year and have a nice, big camping trailer now.... we could all tag along for a very enjoyable trip. now... only if me and the sis could stand 9 days together! ;) :0

i've decided to take a vacation to the States some time very soon. it's just gonna be me and baby traveling. i'm a bit terrified. i say that loosely, because i'm strong and know i can handle it, but there are pieces of it that sorta just freak me out. for one, do i take a stroller or carry him in a backpack type of harness while waiting for the flight, during layover and such. do i get an extra seat for him and put his car seat in the chair or do we get only one seat and he sits in my lap the entire time? do i get benadryl for the flight so that he can sleep or will it make him hyper, like some children? do i rely on natural physics and let him fall asleep on his own... because he has a tendency to cry when i'm putting him down until he falls asleep and sometimes it's fierce crying, so i can imagine what the other passengers (the ones w/out children - who have never had children) might be bothered.

should i care?!! it is my little one after all. i heard some time back where some airline made a woman get off the flight w/ her child because she/he kept saying "bye bye plane" or something and the stewardess got mad about it, complained, and they were made to get off.

imagine! i would throw a major ass fit. i have a temper.... i can only imagine it flaring at a time like that. i'd probably be barred from ever flying w/ that airline again! ;)

i'm also concerned about the layover and carrying the baby for that long on my back. if i don't take a stroller, then if he started getting cranky, i'd have to carry him in my arms... but hey, we could always find a nice place to sit down, relax and play until it was time for our flight.

and what about feeding him? you have to take all your bottles, formula and they can't give you sterilized water for the bottle... but they can warm water for you. which is cool... and would work nicely. and then i think about changing. some airlines have bathrooms equipped w/ changes tables on the doors, so that would be helpful. how about boredom and the fact that he wouldn't be able to move basically, other than around on my lap. i wonder how he'd handle that. would he cry a lot??

i'm also trying to debate about when i'd travel. my aunt, whom i haven't seen in .... gosh, since i was a teenager, is gonna be in Calif. to visit my mom in early sept., and i'd love to see her. but, then that means i'd have to leave at the start of Ramadan and wouldn't be able to spend Ramadan and Eid w/ the family and extended family, which is important to hubby, and it would basically be the baby's first holiday... and pictures would have to go in the baby book!! :)

so, if i stay thru, then i miss my aunt, but that always means i can stay thru two holidays. Halloween and thanksgiving. both are ones that i love. i think it would be great to take the baby in a little costume out w/ his 7 yr old cousin. gosh... how fun would that be! and then thanksgiving, well... it's been forever since i spent that holiday w/ my family. i think the last time was when my sister was just dating her husband... some 11 years ago! i'd look at coming back before Christmas... because have to put up a tree and decorations for the baby's first Christmas... and can't miss that w/ my husband. altho, i'd dearly love to have that w/ my family. but that would mean w/out my husband.... and since he's very important and our family life together has change drastically and is as important... i feel it only right to come back and do the whole thing here!

aaahhhh... the baby's first Christmas! :) altho, he won't remember it, there will be tons of pictures... and it'll be really nice. he'll love the paper... just like the cats! ;)

naief is cutting his upper teeth and has been having such pain w/ them. he wants to bite on everything and so he should. i give him as much as possible to satisfy that need, and on occasion have given him a finger, which i only regret when he bites down super hard ....

he's walking now in his walker. i take him downstairs w/ me in the mornings and while i'm doing dishes, cleaning and such, he walks around squealing at the cats and babbling non-stop. i love this time. he gives me kisses now when i ask for them... ok, not every time, but at the best times. his hair is growing in... and GUESS WHAT???!!!!! it's blond! everyone's amazed and, you know, when he was born that was the first thing i told hashim, "he has blond hair"... but then, it was dark.... but now, it's blond. so so cute.

we saw my husband's aunt the other day at Geant and she told us that hashim had blond hair when he was little. hashim had told me this already but i refused to believe it. she told me that her son, who was w/ her, had also had blond hair.... and his hair was now a dark brown. hashim's is really dark... basically brownish/black... so i figure that when naief reaches 7 or 8, his hair will start to turn darker. i was born w/ white blond hair.... and kept it until i started getting around that age... but it was always dark blond or dishwater blond, as it's called, until in my 30s. now, it seems that most of it is turning grey, so i dye it whatever color i want! :)

anyway... that's about it. except, the baby is crawling full scale now and gets everywhere fast. he's starting to pull himself up, but hasn't accomplished it... so i know there are many things to be done here. i've already started moving things so that he can't get to it. he also wants to eat most things we're eating and insists on drinking bottled water, when i'm drinking it. he LOVES it. it's cute to watch.

that's about it. i've been super busy.... now i see why they say that motherhood is the hardest job on the planet. it's nice though because he's getting bigger and it's easier to get things done. i can only imagine how it'll be once he starts to walk. cleaning and running after him... well, i can think of a really great benefit... might finally lose the baby fat! :)

sweet day and sweet dreams!

Big Brother IS watching!

Mahmood's Den has a recent post on the Smart Card, which is supposed to be implemented here in Bahrain very soon... altho some are saying that it all depends on when you renewed your CPR card (identification)....

In thinking about this Smart Card, I find myself wondering what it will reveal to other ppl about my life... ppl that I may not particularly want to know things about me... maybe even things that I find to be personal and none of their business. Which leads me to wonder who will be keeping track of all this knowledge/information? Some ordinary Joe? Someone that has had their mouth permanently stitched shut and who can not communicate otherwise?! For we all know how Bahrain is and how fast information travels.... right?

Not like I'm hiding any big secrets or anything... but I'm just sitting here thinking generally. Really, it doesn't matter to me what the information is... I particularly don't want ppl knowing my business unless I allow them to know my business.

So where does that leave me and you?

Up sh*t creek w/out a paddle? Wouldn't ya say ... or are we already there?

For instance... over a month 1/2 ago, one of my drs. left on holiday. Before doing so, she wrote a prescription out/details in my folder for 3 mths worth of medicine that I'm using. This is at AMH, btw. Well, when I go to check out, I decide to wait and not get all three months.... matter of fact, I didn't need any at that time, so I told the pharmacist that I would come back when I needed the refill and get it then. No problem, I was told.

After a few weeks, I went back to refill one month... still have two months waiting for me, for when I need it.... but to my surprise, I found out from the pharmacist that it doesn't matter if the dr. has written a prescription for the meds, it's up to the Ministry of Heath if you get your medicine. All files are sent to them and after they look it over and review it, it's then that they decide if you can continue to use that particular medicine.

This was COMPLETE NEW to me. I had no idea. I thought AMH was an independent hospital.... but obviously not. Matter of fact, it would be easier for me to see a dr. outside the hospital, get a prescription in my hand, and take it to an outside pharmacy. I have a better chance of getting my medicine like that than I do going thru the hospital. Which is absolute nonsense..... or at least I think it is.

When we took Naief to AMH (Saar) to get his 6 mth shots, we were told that we'd have to come back when they got more babies scheduled for the polio vaccine because they were given limited quantities from the MofH and couldn't give the dosage to the baby at that time.

Again... I was dumbstruck. I could not believe they were rationing the medicine like this.

Am I living in la la land or what?!! Am I the last to know that this is going on? Why on earth would the MofH be in a place - some person there w/ nothing better to do but review files and decide who gets what - where they can play like God somewhat. Are they only buying limited quantities of everything and that's why they're hording it in such a way??

I will say that when I went back a few wks ago to pick up my 2nd month of meds, I didn't have any hassle.... I'm waiting for the day that they tell me that I can't have them... based on what the MofH has decided. And the baby was called a week after his appt. to come out to get his polio drops.

So, I guess my whole point here is... will it really matter if the Smart Card has private information available to most everyone on it??? For ppl are watching and have been for a long time, I'd assume.

Bader, where are you?

I can't even imagine what the mother of this little Bader must be going through. If my child came up missing.... I really think I'd lose control of everything.

I get angry and terribly sad at the same time when I think about the situation. Here the mother left the kids alone, which shouldn't have been done, and the older brother went inside to watch TV, then the child disappears. And from what I read in the paper a while back, they didn't even realize that he was missing until something like 7:30 in the evening. Which is even worse.

There should be some type of alert system here.... like the Amber Alert in the U.S. We get a lot of abductions in the U.S.... from pedophiles and killers... so they created this alert on this little girl's (Amber) behalf. She was abducted and killed. No one reacted fast enough to find her, so now, when a child comes up missing, the Amber Alert is sounded w/ radio stations broadcasting it and such so that there's a better chance of finding the child.

But would something like this work here? Do the cops care? Do they care about anything, matter of fact. A reward was put up.... but so far nothing.

Where was the father during all of this? They say he works in Saudi as a taxi driver... has anyone wondered if he took the child there... ?? Has anyone checked?

The one thought that I don't dare think about is the possibility of child predators being in Bahrain. Irregardless of the crime here, Bahrain is still very safe for children. They can play outside alone, walk on the streets w/ their siblings, get lost in a supermarket or wonder off from their parents... and ppl don't have to worry about someone taking them. This, I call safe.

Unless this little Bader was taken or something. How sad that I think it would be better that something else happened to him... like it would be so much better.... but in all actuality, it would be. If abductions and the likes start happening here w/ little children.... it is seriously time to worry.

Do you ever wonder?

and try to look into ppl's lives?

Watching ppl while in a restaurant eating, I find myself wondering about their lives. Where they're going, why they have that particular look on their face.... are they happy.

I saw a man walking w/ a plastic bag in one hand filled w/ aluminum and in the other hand he held a long coat wire. I wondered if he dug around in dumpsters w/ that wire coat hanger. He looked tired and his spirit dragged.

I saw two women walk outside of Miami Hotel and they looked like women of the night. Were they? I wondered where they were going, what their lives must be like, what happens to turn a woman's life to that. Were they happy?

Today my friend, Bint Battuta, said something to me that struck a chord... a chord I've talked to myself about many times... pondered.... but today, for some reason, it sunk in and I thought about it and it's still w/ me.

Do you think that a person makes their own happiness... in that, even when someone is a bad person, and you know they are, why do only good things keep happening to them? Why are they the ones to get that promotion, why are they so wealthy, why doesn't karma slap them in the ass? Why do they always seem so happy?

Do we create our own misery and sadness which, in turn, causes bad things to come into our lives? If we're negative or a pessimest (or even a fatalist, like myself), then do we naturally draw bad luck our way....

and if so... what does that mean?

where to start, where to end - Part I

There are so many things on my mind. Tonight's one of those nights where my mind won't calm down, and even though I have tons I could write about, want to write about... I wonder if I'd ever be able to finish a thought, because everything seems to go so deep and is unending, it seems.

First things first... Naief is recovering from his 3rd sets of shots. Since the Ministry of Health rations out polio vaccines, he had to wait to get his until today. His injection site is so red and inflamed and he cries if you touch it. Poor little guy. He wakes up in the middle of dead sleep crying so hard... I figure he's having little babymares about all of it and I do my best to calm him, but he's like mommy and doesn't calm easily. But I hope that in a couple of days, the pain will have subsided, so his mood will be better and he'll feel better.

I've been trying to be a good auntie and have been taking Naief over to visit his cousin in the afternoons for the last few days. When I leave there, I find that I am constantly searching for an answer to something that can't be answered, for like I said, it's unending.

This is my nephew, Naief's cousin.

How else to say it, but to say it....?? He's a mean little boy. Before, when Naief was just a newborn, I found myself unable to deal w/ his ways and stopped going over there for a while. Now, after finding fabulous anti-anxiety meds, I have found a calmness somewhere in the sphere of this child's madness.

I say madness lightly... for I honestly don't want to be mean. I can be and have been in the past... but since getting to know him better, I feel more sadness and then a lot of anger... after he tries time after time to hurt the baby.... well, it sends me into a loss for what to do, how to act, what to say.... seriously, no book, no program, no body can prepare you for these sorts of things.

I find myself questioning my own style of raising my baby. I question all sorts of things... I question the environment in this country, traditions, religion... the fact that he's a boy... just so many things play into what is happening in my world.... be it as small as it is, it feels quite large at times and, again, unending.

No, I'm not hoping for the world to end, my life to end, the baby's life to end... nothing like that. Just for a few ppl to wake up and smell the roses and get a freakin CLUE as to how to raise a child.

No... It is far from easy - raising a child that is. Yeah, I had lots of advice to give prior to having children - many times to my own sister, which she didn't appreciate it... but maybe, somewhere in the back of her mind, she listened. Maybe.

Well... I'm at place w/ this issue that I just can't see going anywhere unless I try to tear down the very fabric from which it's built - this little boy.

Honestly, my mind is going 100 mph w/ all the thoughts tossing around when it comes to this child, his mother, his father... and the housemaids/nannies/babysitters. I've been watching all of it for days now. Participating, playing, swinging, reading, giving kisses/sugars, tickling, singing... just anything and everything to make this little boy happy around my son. But, he's jealous. Not all the time, but most of the time. Now... I might add, just to be catty... I'm the only one, other than the housemaids, that sit on the floor w/ this child. I'm the only one that plays w/ this child, other than the housemaid(s), maybe two at one time... depending. I'm the only one that doesn't give my child to a housemaid and go in w/ the adults and let them raise a child. See... I'll tell a little secret... I was raised that children should not be heard, but seen - which isn't the best school of thought... so I don't want you guys to think that I have all the answers because I don't.

I can at least dream, right??

In my childhood, we could play in the same room w/ my mom and my mom even played games w/ us or my aunts or uncles, and I had tons of cousins and such and we all pretty much spent all of our time together because there was never a babysitter from another country looking after the kids. So... this is my background when comparing what I see here... and the books I've read and studied in school.... but again, NOTHING PREPARES YOU FOR LIFE!

Today, when we first get there, H is so excited and will run up to give Naief a kiss, and it's really sweet. The thing is, he becomes somewhat uncontrollable soon after this and makes for a very busy day. Anything and everything I bring for Naief, H wants it. That's ok, I believe in sharing toys - H wasn't taught. I give him some of my juice, my green tea, and today I read three books to him in English (he speaks arabic w/ a little, tiny amount of english - but i know i can teach him... just give me a few months! :) ) Anyway... He sat on my lap while I read and we pointed to the pictures, made the sounds of the animals and I showed him other things in order to know what I was saying... it was very sweet. He actually loved it and didn't move a muscle. I pointed at everything, explained everything, even tickled him w/ the fizzies that where in his mug... he laughed and so enjoyed it. H watches me, I've noticed. I think I'm the only one that he'll mind but then he gets mad because I tell him no to doing something (like hitting the baby) and he'll go out of his way to be mean to Naief. He kisses me and listens to me like no one else. But... whenever any attention is paid on Naief, he becomes a little insane monster filled w/ jealousy, that's awarded to the baby like a prize, and he'll either start trying to kick him, try to bite him, pinch him as hard as he can, try to slap him or hit him w/ objects, or just scream until he gets what he wants, which is usually to try to hurt Naief.

I think I've become the Super Nanny. ;) I laugh, but seriously. I watch her all the time and I'm trying some of her moves on H. I get down to his level, w/ the baby in my arms and tell him why he shouldn't do this or that, I try to explain why we don't bite and to give kisses instead... and that Naief is a little baby and to be nice. he listens for a brief second and then tries it again - just on someone else this time, which is usually the housemaid watching him... and it's back to the same old ways as soon as his mom comes in.

I wish she'd take the child in her arms. Hold him, kiss him.... so many things really, but like i said, I won't be catty. I will add though, that she's also very bad about trying to make her son jealous about Naief. i told her today... like i said... but God only knows if it sunk in. Don't get me wrong... I like her. She's nice, funny, friendly, dances a wildly beautiful belly dance.... but... she's a first time mom and is probably not knowing what to do to tame this wild animal herself.

Maybe I could teach a different way of doing things to the boy?? Who would I teach it to? My SIL and insult her? The housemaids... do they care? Would they even understand me?!! Even w/ these possibilties, I still find myself wondering: How do you change a child when you're w/ them for approx. 2 hrs a day, if that, and if they and everyone around them like it just the way it is?

Does anyone think it possible? if so, please... I'm open for advice.

I know Ramadan is coming soon and I'm a bit anxious about all of this. There's so many things about it that's causing me stress... but... something will happen, and we'll figure it out. For those of you that don't know... it's a full month at your parent's/in-laws' house.... so naief will be going there, for the most part, a full month... and then it's to the other relatives' house, which I enjoy, but... phew... a lot of stress.

This little American that hasn't had a sit down w/ her brothers and sisters since.... hmmmmm..... I don't even know the year, and STILL isn't used to all of this. But, I love Naief and I love Hashim.... so I will at least try.... maybe a change can happen?? you think??

Ok, my Valerian root has kicked in... so I'm tired and off to bed.

Good night... sweet dreams