a new day

since the baby is sleeping, thought i'd send all of you a quick hello.

motherhood is everything and more. i knew i was in love w/ Naief before he was born, but nothing compares to when you set your eyes on the new baby for the first time. every day has been just another day for that love to build, and it's just wonderful.

all i can feel is love.... don't know how else to explain it.

we've had a few problems because the baby has jaundice and had to spend four days under phototherapy while in the hospital; we had to spend an extra night in the hospital because of it; have to go back to the hospital today to have his blood taken (which is a terrible thing to watch any baby go through) so it can be tested once again; and we'll also see the pediatrician. if his levels are high or have gone back up, i'm sure they'll readmit him into the hospital and we'll have to do the phototherapy. altho i know it is best for him, i hate the thought of it and can't stand leaving him there. i left him there the last day until 4 pm, and when i went back to try to feed, the dr. said we could take him home. now, i'm praying everything is ok today. he's not using the bathroom as much as i think he needs to be, so my real fear is that the levels haven't gone down and worked their way out of his system. i'll say this... motherhood brings a whole new set of worries, thoughts, anxieties, and has allowed me to see, for the first time, how precious life is (yeah, i saw it before.... but it's WAYYYYYY different now) and how my mother must have felt so many times. hashim says the same thing.... because when you have this little helpless baby that's having medical problems.... well... it's difficult. but, inshallah, all will be fine and he'll get a clean bill of health today. i so pray for this.

i'll have to tell ya, i love having him here w/ us, and, believe it or not, i'm not as tired as i thought i'd be.... which is good. but... check back in a week or more and i'm pretty sure you'll get another answer. ;) hashim has been doing good daddy duty.... he gets up w/ me, fixes the bottles and even helps to feed him and burp him. waking him up has been easier than i expected - cuz he's a heavy sleeper - but for as much as i doubted, he's shown me a whole new side of him. he's a good daddy and i love watching him w/ the baby. :)

i've also learned that no matter how much you want it to be - nothing is the way you thought it would be w/ a new baby. i know nothing is perfect in life but there was a big part of me that expected things to be "so and so" way or i thought that i'd have some semblance of control over things. one of those letdowns has been breastfeeding. it hasn't gone as planned and in the beginning it made me feel like a failure as a mother. i've gone to mainly formula now because he wasn't getting enough food and still isn't w/ me alone, and i'm getting to the point that i'm about to give up on breastfeeding all together. i saw a girl that was in my birthing class and she's had the same exact problems as me and opted to go w/ formula. it was good to hear someone else having the same problems, but even still..... i so wish it was different. i really wanted to create that bond.... but my mom tells me that the baby doesn't know the difference and not to fret because i'll still have a very special bond w/ the baby even though i'm using a bottle. it is a major disappointment though. and... the extra added benefit to breastfeeding is getting one's shape back faster... and now... well, i'm wondering how that'll go. but, w/ enough exercise, diet and such, anything can be accomplished...

the c-section was something ... well... that's another post. i'm feeling better though... getting around better, but still having pain. it'll be another 5 wks before things are a lot better.... so just a while. i will say though... it wasn't terrible... just freaks you out somewhat psychologically... if you let it.

anyway... once i get some pics downloaded, i'll post some of little Naief. he looks just like his daddy, but has my hair! ;) toooooo cute!!!