Funny how I lay in bed now, in the early morning or early evening, watching the trees bend with the wind, listening to the windchimes that I brought from the States (thinking about California - coz my sister has so many of them and they sound so beautiful when the wind blows), and I realize that Bahrain is now my home. One day I know we may go back to the States, but it won't be any time soon... and this time it feels okay. Even when we landed in Bahrain and left the airport, I usually have this feeling of sadness when I look at so many girls covered in black, but this time, I didn't.
This time, strangely enough, as I was waiting for Hashim to hail a cab/find transportation, several different girls came up and talked to Naief, kissed him and said hello. It was a nice welcoming and made me feel different...
I've heard other expats say this about having children here, but not until now did I have the experience - and there is something about it... something that welcomes you.
While I was in California, I found myself feeling like it was a bittersweet stay. My mom was sick and in bed for most of the time - not every waking hour, but more than I'm used to, and it was difficult. Difficult in that I don't like seeing her ill, weak and getting older - but it's a fact of life. And she's become quite crabby in her old age. She gets mad easily and then pouts heavily if you hurt her feelings or make her mad and such. It's true when they say that older ppl tend to become like children again because I see her doing that at times. And sister... this isn't a blog for mother to read! nor to share... so if you're reading this, keep it to yourself please.
I don't argue w/ my mom any more. I just refuse to, no matter how mad she makes me or if she says something that bothers me... I just see her and can't. I see no reason in upsetting her, altho I know I do at times, but nowadays, I'd never do it intentionally. I tell my sister not to argue w/ her, but I think it's harder for one when they live w/ that person and see it and live w/ a variety of stresses daily, and it's easier for me to come in and say something or tell her to do this or do that because I'm not living with it... but when I see the two of them and if there's tension between them.. I think back to when I was younger and more argumentative w/ her and try to see my sister's point of view and such... but even then it's hard. So... that was bittersweet.
Then w/ my sister, she was busy w/ work and her life, friends, family and such.... and the days passed so quickly. So I found myself getting aggravated w/ her for not giving more time to our time there, but life has a funny way of pulling you away from things, doesn't it?!! I'm glad she stays busy and has such a social life... me, I'm much different. I guess in some ways I felt jealousy in that I wished I was more like her at times. She'll die when she reads this... but it's true.
anyway... all in all, I'm doing better than I was before I left Bahrain and I'm happy for that. Hubby is telling me to come - he's ready to go home... so I'll wrap this post up here... just wanted to let you guys know how I'm doing... my emotions are better... :)
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8 comments:
Glad you are enjoying being back.
It is amazing how our relationships with relations change - and how close we live physically has a huge effect on how that happens. Having aging relatives very close is very difficult, sometimes they just seem to get on your case for something to do, and you rarely see the thanks that are deserved. I had not realised that your mom lives with Jahooni. That can't be easy! My dad lives around 100 yards away and that is close enough!
Anyway, I will let you get back to your windchimes.
When I first came to work in Japan, when I was a participant in a government project, I was given a handbook full of advice for living here, and it actually included a section on going back home to the States to visit. One of the things they warned about is that people back home probably won't make as much time for you as you'd like. Most of it is that they simply have their own lives to lead, but the book also suggests there may be some quiet resentment about the fact that you're not there most of the time (i.e. you've been written out of the picture, so it's hard to fit you back in).
I hear you about the going home and being shocked to find everyone older. I still envision my family and friends as they looked back in 1990. Not even...
Hey, thanks for keeping in touch with us.
I understand where you are coming from with both your mom and your sister.
When my mother was living in Dallas and taking care of her mother during her last year of life, she experience a form of abuse, as gran would shout at her all the time. It was all she could do to hang on to her sanity (already vulnerable from the divorce and as a result sort of needing comfort from her mother that she couldn't have) and fortunately she had her own apartment to escape to. It got so bad that she'd bring the groceries, mail, supplies, check everything over, ask gran if she was OK, and leave. She didn't really need to do much as gran was independent and mobile, and her daughter in law across the road would come and do a bit of cleaning.
It's scary watching parents age. I really really scared because I am an only child, not yet settled in my own life or home, my parents aren't together to help each other, and the onus of care will fall squarely on me...
Ah, I do miss windchimes...
P.S. Sorry, forgot to mention that gran was like that because she was getting senile dementia.
okay. NOW you say you're sorry!
This mad me sad but guess what, going today to get my passport. Be ready for Jahooni next year. Bringing the apps home for Mom and Katelyn.
i miss you.
Where are all your readers???
olivia, i think i've lost a lot of readers because i haven't been visiting blogs for a while. it's hard to get online now and only now can i because the baby is asleep. when awake, he dies to play on the laptop, which is a huge no no w/ daddy, so i tend to stay away altogether.
what you talk about - being an only child and having all the responsibility for things when your mom and dad pass - is something i think about w/ naief. this is one big reason i'd like to have one more child... so that he can have someone w/ him later in life. death is such a hard thing.
moody, i think it's a wonderful thing that they train you or give you material on life's changes... very interesting. they seem to take care in areas that are very much needed...
it's also very hard for me when i go home and see how much my mom has aged. this is so very difficult for me. you have this mental picture and it's never like that. i look at pictures of my mom just some 15 years ago, if not earlier, and wonder where the time has gone.
rock chef, thank you for your faithful readership, even tho i haven't visited much of anyone, except my sister, in a long while. and you are so right about living close to relatives. it, for me, is easier to go and then leave. better relations that way... my in-laws live right across the street from us. my MIL can see into our house and front yard from her bedroom window... it's a little too close for comfort!
and living w/ my mom isn't easy on sister. i feel for her, especially when i'm there and see it firsthand.. living away makes it so much easier to deal with.
jahooni, being the wise woman that i am, it takes me a while to gather my thoughts.... indicated by my words in this post. i still think you were gone too much!! ;)
Um Naief, its good to hear that you feel Bahrain is your home. But I'm curious, you mentioned you hted the fact that many women are covered in black...Why does it bother you? Its been bothering me lately. I wear the hijab but not a black one every single day of the year. I think i would die if i did that...its like being in a constant state of mourning or something... so I go for the colorful ones sometimes...
Just interested to know your opinions...
SoulSearch
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