well....

Henry isn't getting better. He ate the new mix of food for the first 3 or 4 days, but hasn't touched most of it for 3 days now. He digs out the liver (which is only 1 ounce), eats that and leaves the rest. The rest being rice cooked in chicken stock, low fat cottage cheese, two eggs and 3 tlbs of bacon drippings. Also giving him Omega 3's and vitamins A & E. He seemed to really like it at first and I must say I had high hopes... because I want him to live so dang bad...

It all just breaks my heart.

(for anyone who is asking what happened, when i took him to the vet, found out that the tick parasites got into the organs and he's having kidney failure. his numbers should be between 7-25 and his were 172. the vet wanted to put him to sleep that day, but i asked to take him home. once home, i got online and started doing research about how we might possibly bring down his numbers.. which we've been trying to do. it's been a little over a week now...)

Today he's been having dry heaves... starting early this morning and then again around 11:30 a.m. He's been under our bed all day, only getting up at around 11:30 to go wee, then back under the bed. He's not getting up at night... hasn't for a good week. This really worries me... for I realize that it's his kidneys, and it's not getting better.

I can't think about it, but have to.

Hashim doesn't want to put him to sleep... hoping beyond all hope that he'd get better. I told him today that he seems to be getting worse.

He looks like he doesn't feel good.... his ears are always down, he hardly wags his tail, doesn't bark any more... is skin and bones...

I feel angry at myself for not acting sooner... thinking it could have helped. I knew something was wrong. Even talked to a friend about it - they had to have their first dog put down because of tick fever. She told me that it sounded like tick fever... but I waited. Thinking that he was depressed and that lots of walks would make him happier.. and it did... but what I didn't know is that he was sick.

I don't know what to do. Wait it out... for I know he's not getting better.. and is he in pain? The thought of putting him down (which the vet wanted to do when I took him in the last time) is something I'm not sure I can do. I put down my first cat, Baby, many years ago and I still cry sometimes... he got so bad... and I don't want to see Henry like this... in so much pain, not knowing where he is, not seeming to know me, Hashim or Naief...

A few days back I left a string/thought on my facebook about being under a lot of stress... had been stuck in traffic for what seemed like hours, searching for the food to feed Henry, grumpy hubby, tantrum throwing child... and someone made this comment to me,

"why tania try to be more optimistic things always get better at the end look at the bright side of everything you will see a wonderful life then"

and... you know, it just irritates the hell outta me, to be truthful. I was semi-polite in my response.. but really wanted to jump all over her... for as much as we could hope, pray, imagine... life just isn't that easy... all the time. But hey, I'm not the most optimistic person... but still.