phew... where to start?

Wow... was shocked to learn of Michael Jackson's death. Knew he was a drug addict long ago, but you never want to imagine it being as bad as it was. Looks like they've come across bags and bags of drugs inside his home, so it's only a matter of days before the world finds out what was hidden in his closet.

Sad that he'd die like Elvis and was married to his daughter.

I felt unmoved by the news at first. Took several days for it to sink in and after watching many a show and reading articles on the net, I feel very saddened, but feel, like many, that he's free of his demons now.

I've loved Michael since I was a little girl (Elvis was and is my all time favorite). Had all his albums, still do, matter of fact, and of the Jackson 5. Saw Michael in concert many years ago and it was the best concert I've ever been to. Had good seats (altho they were at the side of the stage), was seated close enough to get a good view. Over the years though... as he started to look more like an Asian transgendered woman... and after the pay off to the sex abuse victim, the 2nd case w/ such damning evidence, his totally bizarre behavior... I lost that great like of him.

Everyone wants to talk about what a great dad he was... and I have this question to ask.... if he was such a great dad, why was he taking all these drugs? Who in the hell could function on that stuff in your body, all day, every day?? Is it possible? Yeah, I know ppl do it all the time, but doesn't there come a time when it's not possible? I'd think he'd have to be pumped up w/ something all hours of the day - like Elvis was in the last years of his life. You don't function like this. So how can you function as a parent?

Me and some mothers were talking about this the other day and the ones from the UK said that demerol is given to you when you have a baby there... and it makes you totally loopy/out of touch and unable to do anything.

I feel sorry for his kids... partially growing up w/ that mess of a father (having marked their lives in a huge way - forever), and now they'll grow up w/ his family... his father and mother. His mother must have done something right... coz a brother or two have some sense about them.

_______________________________________________________________

Saw an ad at the grocery the other day for free dogs, so I called the woman. She was in Dubai when I called, said she'd be back on Wed. and would call me. Didn't hear from her until the weekend, talked and decided to go see the dogs.

Went there and it was somewhat strange. She had so many freakin' dogs... was living in this HUGE house, decorated **nicccccceeeely**, said she had a daughter, 4 yrs old, w/ the nanny and husband in Egypt... saying that she and her mother were moving there at the end of July. The house wasn't in any shape for a one month move out date. Nice plants in expensive pots all over the outside and inside of the house, huge glass vases in the house w/ flowers and such, everything in tact. Expensive stuff everywhere... made me start thinking about living w/ such and so many animals, having a 4 yr old w/ this sort of environment... which led me to think that she's not telling the truth about everything. She was pushing hard for us to take a dog... telling us when we first got there that they were all up to take, and then when we'd ask about one, she'd tell us all the negatives about that dog and push us to take this other one. **should state that i had asked her on the phone, prior to going, if the dogs were used to children and cats** i think this is why she said she had a child. i thought it was odd that a child would be away from her mother w/ a maid in another country.. but maybe i'm the weird one. not only that, but her mother, a russian that (they said) couldn't speak english, but seemed to comment on a lot of what i said (in russian, of course) was there w/ her.. don't you think that'd be a better environment for a young girl??? especially if they're moving in just one month?

anyway... there's a lot of other things... but this post is getting long, i'll end it here... but i will add, hashim doesn't want to take a dog from them. he got a bad feeling about it.. felt like she was lying, doesn't trust it and whatnot. i feel sorry for the dogs, want to take one of them... but i also got a bit of a bad feeling a few times... just think things don't add up.. and i've asked her for records of shots, if they've been tested for tick fever and does the one, that she was pushing, have a touch of mange. she's yet to reply...

getting through it

The last few days have been pretty emotional, to say the least. Putting Henry to sleep was the best thing to do... for he could hardly walk, wasn't coming upstairs the last day 1/2, wasn't eating and we couldn't watch him in pain or suffering.... but doing it is so very hard. I miss him terribly. I think about him all the time... every time I turn around, I am reminded of him. I see him from the corner of my eye or see one of the cats and think it's him... so I feel sadness many, many times throughout the days.

Not only that, but Naief asks about him probably 10 times a day. Day before yesterday, he cried once and put his head on my shoulder at another point... he's too young to understand, but he knows something isn't right. I tell him that Henry has gone to heaven, then he'll ask if he's sick and show me how he was throwing up. I tell him yes, Henry was sick, but he's better now... and in heaven.

We're thinking of getting another dog or two... but after we come back from the States. Went to the BSPCA yesterday and gave them all the food, flea/tick medicine, treats and such, and while there I told them that it would have been nice if someone had said something/anything to us when we adopted him. We could have possibly saved his life if we had known earlier... not sure, because the parasites could have already been wrecking havoc inside his body... I don't know... but, at least we could have tried some 7 months ago, instead of just two months ago.

While there, a woman asked me what dog we adopted. I told her Henry. She remembered him and started talking about what a good dog he was... I started crying... and left.

Really, I can't think about it right now. I'm so sad still..... he was such a good dog. So kind. Really was so different when we first got him, versus these past couple of months. He loved to play w/ us outside. Running when we'd try to get his tail and he loved baths. He'd let us soap him up and wash him off and then off he'd go.. running up onto the porch to rub his body up and down the wall until he felt he was dried off enough... or something... not really sure why he did that.. but it was the cutest thing to watch.

He loved his walks. Loved going to Saar to the date farm. He'd gallop to us once we had gotten far enough in front of him... with his tongue hanging and his mouth open as wide as it would go. He was so happy. Even here around the house.. when we'd walk him.. he really enjoyed it. Loved eating anything and everything he could find and leaving his mark everywhere.

He loved to bump me with his cold nose to get attention and when he knew we were taking him for a walk... he'd get so excited and happy. His tail would wag so fast and he'd jump up on us and get sooo excited. I loved that about him.

I miss him so much...

With respect to all of this... we got into a huge argument with the in-laws yesterday. While over for lunch, nephew asked me over and over and over and over if the dog was dead and when I couldn't ignore him any more, I got mad and told him to not ask me one more time if the dog was dead. Well.... SIL threw a fit. Saying that he's only a baby and I shouldn't have said anything to him, but ignored him. I disagree. I think a child needs to learn right from wrong. I didn't yell at him, I simply was firm and told him to stop. But... it didn't matter. She threw a complete fit over it after lunch and everyone got into a big argument... except me who sat by the side and listened. She said not a word to me in English but instead attacked me, through hubby, in Arabic. Letting everyone know how wrong I was and how I didn't have the right to say anything to her son. I disagree and no matter what, I will not change my mind nor apologize.

Needless to say, this was the straw that broke the camels back. I'm finished with all of this for a long time. I've decided not to do the school, since it will be working w/ her, which I have been against all along. I refuse to work anywhere near her and she wont be over me. I can not stand her and haven't since the get go. So... all the preparation and stress has been for nothing. I'm a bit sad over this now... but figure it's for the best. Can't imagine having this stress on a daily/weekly basis and then having to pretend all nicey nice... I'm just tired of all the games and crap.

So...

Thanks everyone for all your kind words and shows of love. It truly means the world to me. Chief Rock Chef... you are such a kind person and a real animal lover. It's wonderful to see and I appreciate all your words of encouragement and kindness... it truly means a lot to me. You and your wife and truly wonderful people. I know your kids will be some of the best. Christopher... thank you for your kindness and for the card... I wish I was there with you... that'd be oh so wonderful... le sigh... at least I can dream. You're a sweety and your friendship means a lot to me. And for my friend, Tara, who doesn't blog and doesn't read my blog... she gave me flowers and it really meant a lot. She's so kind and gentle, and was there as soon as she heard my cries on the other end of the phone. And thanks to Roxy for her text message and words of love. You're so sweet and such a loving soul. Thanks all of you. It touches me to have such friendships especially when I'm so far away from home and not around ppl who love animals so much... I feel blessed by having all of you in my life.

goodbye

henry is being put to sleep today... hashim took him just a bit ago. my heart is breaking.

i can't think ... i'm filled with tremendous sadness.

he was the best dog.

goodbye henry...

well....

Henry isn't getting better. He ate the new mix of food for the first 3 or 4 days, but hasn't touched most of it for 3 days now. He digs out the liver (which is only 1 ounce), eats that and leaves the rest. The rest being rice cooked in chicken stock, low fat cottage cheese, two eggs and 3 tlbs of bacon drippings. Also giving him Omega 3's and vitamins A & E. He seemed to really like it at first and I must say I had high hopes... because I want him to live so dang bad...

It all just breaks my heart.

(for anyone who is asking what happened, when i took him to the vet, found out that the tick parasites got into the organs and he's having kidney failure. his numbers should be between 7-25 and his were 172. the vet wanted to put him to sleep that day, but i asked to take him home. once home, i got online and started doing research about how we might possibly bring down his numbers.. which we've been trying to do. it's been a little over a week now...)

Today he's been having dry heaves... starting early this morning and then again around 11:30 a.m. He's been under our bed all day, only getting up at around 11:30 to go wee, then back under the bed. He's not getting up at night... hasn't for a good week. This really worries me... for I realize that it's his kidneys, and it's not getting better.

I can't think about it, but have to.

Hashim doesn't want to put him to sleep... hoping beyond all hope that he'd get better. I told him today that he seems to be getting worse.

He looks like he doesn't feel good.... his ears are always down, he hardly wags his tail, doesn't bark any more... is skin and bones...

I feel angry at myself for not acting sooner... thinking it could have helped. I knew something was wrong. Even talked to a friend about it - they had to have their first dog put down because of tick fever. She told me that it sounded like tick fever... but I waited. Thinking that he was depressed and that lots of walks would make him happier.. and it did... but what I didn't know is that he was sick.

I don't know what to do. Wait it out... for I know he's not getting better.. and is he in pain? The thought of putting him down (which the vet wanted to do when I took him in the last time) is something I'm not sure I can do. I put down my first cat, Baby, many years ago and I still cry sometimes... he got so bad... and I don't want to see Henry like this... in so much pain, not knowing where he is, not seeming to know me, Hashim or Naief...

A few days back I left a string/thought on my facebook about being under a lot of stress... had been stuck in traffic for what seemed like hours, searching for the food to feed Henry, grumpy hubby, tantrum throwing child... and someone made this comment to me,

"why tania try to be more optimistic things always get better at the end look at the bright side of everything you will see a wonderful life then"

and... you know, it just irritates the hell outta me, to be truthful. I was semi-polite in my response.. but really wanted to jump all over her... for as much as we could hope, pray, imagine... life just isn't that easy... all the time. But hey, I'm not the most optimistic person... but still.

Mr. Henry

Looks like we'll be making another vet visit tomorrow. Henry is still sick, it seems. For the last 4 days, he doesn't want to be walked and refuses to go anywhere... staying, mostly, under the bed all day. Tonight he's next to me on the sofa, but asleep. He's not eating really.. had a little of the cat's food tonight, which isn't great, but it's better than nothing.

Yesterday he threw up everything, including his water. Day before was another throw up day... but got meds from the vet today that will reduce the acidity in his tummy and, hopefully, help him keep food down.

They're concerned that his kidneys may be starting to fail... especially w/ him throwing up, and seeing that he's sleeping all the time and his spirit is almost gone, they want to do a blood work-up just to make sure.

Poor guy... for a bit there I thought he was getting better and maybe he will... just think it's gonna be a long road. My hope is that he doesn't have to take any more of the tick fever med because I wont be here. Worried enough about him being here during the day by himself... but that's a good month 1/2 or more... so maybe he'll be on the road to recovery by then.

some good news

I'm really excited... Naief and I will be heading to Memphis this summer! Been trying to work this out for a while now.. hoping fares would be low (since summer is high season for travel in these parts), so I was really beyond belief when we found a low fare a few days ago. :)

Naief has never met my older sis, her fiance, my niece and nephew (and his family), my oldest brother, and he'll get to spend a good two months with my mom. Plus, there's a big wedding planned - my older sis is getting married. :) So that'll be exciting, I'm sure.

I get to leave Bahrain during the hottest part of the year as well, I'm just tickled pink about it. The weather has been hitting 118F the last several days, and heard today that some ppl are saying it could get to 60C (have no idea what that is in F), but sounds way tooooo hot for my blood... so I'm really thankful.

Have been prepping Naief and he knows we're going on a plane and that we'll be meeting all these ppl... he's even practicing the names... :)

On a different note, looks like I could/will be going to work this Sept. My MIL is proposing that I open a play/learning center for 2-3 yr olds and I've agreed to it.. the only thing is... it's all very short notice, nothing is prepared (including the place) and I'm leaving for the summer.. so who will do it??? Get it ready and such? It's already June 1st, so I'm panicking a bit... it all has to be set up (painting, furniture), all material bought, and ready to go before I leave, and MIL is leaving around the 19th of June for holiday and she wants it finished before then. fun fun fun

This is a huge undertaking and assistants have to be hired.. and that's another issue. Finding ppl who will work for the money, that know how to speak English and who will change diapers (that's a big one there).. since most 2 yr olds aren't potty trained. It would be nice to have someone just for that.

and...

I've never done this before. That's the biggest issue for me and, really, it makes me nauseous to think about it all. I taught when I first came to Bahrain and was hugely popular w/ the little ones... and I'm good with kids... so I feel ok about that, but the thoughts of organizing it all, managing it, not losing control of the children, and being able to be creative and imaginative enough for approx 18 kids, every day... I'm worried about. I guess on a positive note, it could help to bring back my creative flow.. which would be nice. I have tons of research to do... printing, tons of administrative work... and on top of it all,

I'm going on holiday and don't want this overshadowing my time. I want quality time with my family with no outside stress weighing me down.... aaaahhhhhh...

fun, fun, fun :)