Naief started school today. He didn't cry, hang on to my leg, scream... or anything, but momma cried inside myself all the way to the car.... and found myself breaking down a few times while driving home. It's so rough letting go and seeing them at this stage.... even though it's only 3 days a week, still.... it's hard.
I have been in a real, true funk lately. I need to do something with myself... big time. Have looked and am looking for possible jobs, but need something part-time while Naief is in school. Don't truly think this is what's causing my funk, just adding to it a bit.
Hashim's been working a lot in the studio.... so much on his plate that it gives little time to much else. I know to be successful, to build a business and a career for oneself, that this is needed, but I feel lonely a lot. Even going out, doing things, swimming, playing and hanging out w/ friends.... still... the loneliness begs me to obey. And me... being me.... I do.
Have so much to do today... a 4 o'clock appt w/ my therapist, whom I haven't seen in a long time..... I need to find out what's going on with my inner being... that and so much that you might have to whisper the secrets to everyone around you if I told it out loud! ;) I love going for I always feel so much better afterwards... so I'm hoping, really hoping that this time is the same.
There's so much going on w/ me.... so many times I've wanted to write and tell you all about things, but, to be truthful, I don't trust anyone in this country to not tell someone I know who will then tell my in-laws who will then try to make trouble for me and for anything I might say that will bring shame or pissed off attitudes in my and my family's direction. This is hard to explain and probably the reason I've seriously been thinking of starting a new "secret" blog w/ my address being from the States, to afford me some type of ghost writer status.... so cliche, yes.... but, it's maddening, honestly. I've NEVER been one for being watched, can't stand and I mean seriously loathe liars, trouble makers, these evil eye doers.... and since coming back from the States, I've lost all ability to be able to stand to be around such ppl.... which can only lead one to imagine all of whom I'm speaking about at the moment.
Even friends that I had met, done play things w/ for the kids.... but really didn't like the mother or the child for that matter... I've cut the contact. Use to I'd continue w/ the stupid facade... but why create such headache ????? Plus, one little thing that rattles me to the core is any child being mean to my little man.... if I see that, I swear... my claws want to snatch a piece outta somebody.... so it's better to let go.
Again, I have to say, there's so much I need/want/desire to write about, since I feel that I fill this blog w/ mostly nonsense nowadays.... I long to write.... to get it out..... lie in bed at night thinking about it even.... but then, get up, start a new day, and don't.
I will say this... about a week ago, I saw this guy's name on a friend's FB page (he had left a comment) and this was a guy who had caused me heartache, embarrassment, humiliation... you name it, he did it, while I was in junior high. So... I left a comment under his and asked if this was the same person, and, sure enough, it was. He didn't know who I was w/ my last name being my husband's, so I told him, and then proceeded to tell him how much it had hurt me back in school and asked if he was still a trouble maker in his life today (actually, I asked if he was still a trouble maker first, which he denied)...... and what did he do about it all? Denied it. Told me that I must have been talking about the wrong person..... imagine. You carry these things with you, when they're traumatic enough, all your life (or I have at varying degrees at various stages) and when you finally have the chance/courage to say, "hey.... why did you do so and so".... and they say they didn't... well, as my friend Val says, he knows he did it and he knows he was the only DV in that school.
Makes me feel like Josie Gellar in that movie Never Been Kissed when all the really popular kids did such mean things to the others, including her..... and, for once, I stood up and said something.... but God only knows if it made any difference. Don't know many leopards that change their spots.