Sunday, February 11, 2007

a new day

since the baby is sleeping, thought i'd send all of you a quick hello.

motherhood is everything and more. i knew i was in love w/ Naief before he was born, but nothing compares to when you set your eyes on the new baby for the first time. every day has been just another day for that love to build, and it's just wonderful.

all i can feel is love.... don't know how else to explain it.

we've had a few problems because the baby has jaundice and had to spend four days under phototherapy while in the hospital; we had to spend an extra night in the hospital because of it; have to go back to the hospital today to have his blood taken (which is a terrible thing to watch any baby go through) so it can be tested once again; and we'll also see the pediatrician. if his levels are high or have gone back up, i'm sure they'll readmit him into the hospital and we'll have to do the phototherapy. altho i know it is best for him, i hate the thought of it and can't stand leaving him there. i left him there the last day until 4 pm, and when i went back to try to feed, the dr. said we could take him home. now, i'm praying everything is ok today. he's not using the bathroom as much as i think he needs to be, so my real fear is that the levels haven't gone down and worked their way out of his system. i'll say this... motherhood brings a whole new set of worries, thoughts, anxieties, and has allowed me to see, for the first time, how precious life is (yeah, i saw it before.... but it's WAYYYYYY different now) and how my mother must have felt so many times. hashim says the same thing.... because when you have this little helpless baby that's having medical problems.... well... it's difficult. but, inshallah, all will be fine and he'll get a clean bill of health today. i so pray for this.

i'll have to tell ya, i love having him here w/ us, and, believe it or not, i'm not as tired as i thought i'd be.... which is good. but... check back in a week or more and i'm pretty sure you'll get another answer. ;) hashim has been doing good daddy duty.... he gets up w/ me, fixes the bottles and even helps to feed him and burp him. waking him up has been easier than i expected - cuz he's a heavy sleeper - but for as much as i doubted, he's shown me a whole new side of him. he's a good daddy and i love watching him w/ the baby. :)

i've also learned that no matter how much you want it to be - nothing is the way you thought it would be w/ a new baby. i know nothing is perfect in life but there was a big part of me that expected things to be "so and so" way or i thought that i'd have some semblance of control over things. one of those letdowns has been breastfeeding. it hasn't gone as planned and in the beginning it made me feel like a failure as a mother. i've gone to mainly formula now because he wasn't getting enough food and still isn't w/ me alone, and i'm getting to the point that i'm about to give up on breastfeeding all together. i saw a girl that was in my birthing class and she's had the same exact problems as me and opted to go w/ formula. it was good to hear someone else having the same problems, but even still..... i so wish it was different. i really wanted to create that bond.... but my mom tells me that the baby doesn't know the difference and not to fret because i'll still have a very special bond w/ the baby even though i'm using a bottle. it is a major disappointment though. and... the extra added benefit to breastfeeding is getting one's shape back faster... and now... well, i'm wondering how that'll go. but, w/ enough exercise, diet and such, anything can be accomplished...

the c-section was something ... well... that's another post. i'm feeling better though... getting around better, but still having pain. it'll be another 5 wks before things are a lot better.... so just a while. i will say though... it wasn't terrible... just freaks you out somewhat psychologically... if you let it.

anyway... once i get some pics downloaded, i'll post some of little Naief. he looks just like his daddy, but has my hair! ;) toooooo cute!!!


Roop said...

God bless your baby madam, waiting to see the pics of your new born. I thought you would take a break of one month but you have written the blog, that too with pain, hats off.

Puppy said...

OMG Tooners i wrote you an email, after a while i found your new post.

I am happy to hear that everything is fine wiht you, as for some disappoitments, dont pay attention. People had them before and it went just fine with their kids.

I wish everything will be fine with little Naief.

Take care, dear


The Moody Minstrel said...

Great to hear from you, Tooners!

Jaundice is common among babies. My daughter had it pretty badly for a while...not to mention a scrape on the head because the doctor accidently banged her against the table during the birth! Don't worry. Naief will be fine.

I've heard breastfeeding can be a mixed blessing. My wife seemed to cherish the experience...but she was relieved and thankful when she finally switched to formula after the first couple of months.

Hang in there...and God bless!

One Wink at a Time said...

Good to hear from you! Give Naief a li'l kiss for me. He will be fine, my granddaughter went through the exact thing with the jaundice and she was great in no time.
If there's any way possible for you to do it, keep with the breastfeeding, but if you can't, don't feel guilty.
Later, Mommy! :-)

Jane said...

Try not to worry too much about the jaundice--both my kids had it too and after two weeks they were fine.
I'm sorry that breastfeeding is not going as easily as you hoped. The most important thing is that you do what is best for you and your baby, whether it be bottle or breast.
You are in my thoughts. By the way, BEAUTIFUL kid. Saw the picture on Hashim's blog. What a doll.

Khalid said...

Hey tooners, congrats on the baby, hope he'll have a prosperous life :).

gazza27 said...

Hey tooners i was a jaundice baby myself,didnt do me any harm (or did it)enjoy it while you can,every day is a bonus!

tooners said...

thanks Jane! i think he's beautiful too. i love him so much. thank you for your encouragement and words of advice!!

i'm trying not to worry about the jaundice. his levels were up yesterday, but the dr. didn't seem worried about it. told us to keep up his feedings every two hours if possible and to put him in the early morn. sunlight and afternoon/early evening sunlight.

moody, your dr. banged your daughters head??? Naief has a place between his eyebrows and i wondered the same because it first looked like a bruise but now it's just sorta red. dr. said not to worry about it... but i wondered if they did it during the birth when taking him out or something. thanks for your words! i'm starting to feel better about the breastfeeding.... i can understand your wife's point of view.

roop, thank you, and if you want to see a pic, go to my husband's blog (alfanan's radio) and he has the first baby pic there. i hope to put some new ones up today or tomorrow.

puppy, hey there... needless to say, i haven't checked my emails at all. i will hopefully get to it today. :)

one wink, trying to get over the guilty feelings... it's weird how it overtakes you. and here i thought it wouldn't affect me that much.... just goes to show how much i don't know myself!

khalid, thanks friend. :)

gazza, well... you seem fine, so i'll take that as the jaundice won't hurt him a bit! ;)

tooners said...

and btw... all you guys mean the world to me... and i so appreciate all your words of advice!! and well wishes. it truly means so much to me.

Peceli and Wendy's Blog said...

Gosh, I'm late tuning in. Everyone else has read your baby post! Take it easy and enjoy your baby and husband's love. Jaundice is common, one of my kids had it. They didn't treat it at all!
Breast-feeding - well, try it again if you can, it might still work for you.
Give the baby a song from me.

Olivia said...

I'm restraining myself from looking at the piccies first - i am impressed to hear that Hashim is being an attentive daddy, and even getting up and everything!

Hopefully both you and Naief will be feeling 100% very soon.

Ingrid said...

WOOHOO!! I've been awol on even my own site for a while and have been thinking about you..congratulations sweetheart and you take your sweet time recuperating!!
He's adorable and I could almost 'smell' him! (ah that baby smell, I sure always loved mine.. sigh)
congratulations to you and Alfanan..
plenty of baby advice here (and from everyone else by the sound of it! lol)
many blessings and go with the flow. Accept the stresses and sleep deprivation and KNOW that it will go by (too) soon,
enjoy and snuggle your little one for me,
hugs and kisses