Sunday, February 25, 2007

She's So Outrageous

After having spent a week on and off watching the recent court battles over Anna Nicole Smith's body and all these men arguing over who the daddy is of this small 5 mth old baby, I can't help but to be more disgusted each time I see anything that has to do w/ this woman.

I didn't feel sorry for her when her son died... matter of fact, I blamed her for it. Here she's taking methadone and obviously lots of other drugs, and then her son dies of an apparent or obvious drug overdose. Everyone talks about what a good mother she was and how much she loved her son, but if you love your son and if you're such a good mother, what are you doing using methadone and other drugs in front of your child!? And shouldn't her love for her child and the fact that she was pregnant be enough of a reason to STOP using drugs all together? Obviously, she had been addicted to hard drugs for a long time .... as evidenced by her TV series on E - The Anna Nicole Smith Show. Did any of you watch this? I did.... even my mom watched it. We'd sit there is disbelief of her antics and how high she seemed most of the time... altho they tried to pretend it was alcohol. I knew better than that!

You could always tell that she was using some heavy drugs. And then, to see her on TV in recent weeks, before her death, and having seen her at some awards show where she was slurring her speech... it was pitiful.

Now... it has come out that she was prescribed methadone by some doctor in Hollywood while she was 8 mths pregnant. Larry Birkhead said to do a drug test on the baby and you'd see that the child had drugs in her system, but Anna Nicole said it wasn't true and I guess no one cared enough to do anything about it. Sure enough... the child was probably an addict when she was born... but hopefully she's doing better now.

Personally, I can't get over that any court is even thinking of giving custody of that child to that Howard K. Stern. Here he administered drugs to Anna Nicole Smith - knowing she was pregnant - and even gave her drugs after her pregnancy and NO ONE is thinking about this. It hasn't even been a topic of discussion - from what I've seen. Honestly, it all makes me sick.

How could anyone use drugs when they're pregnant? I didn't even dye my hair when I was pregnant... I could not imagine using drugs. I don't even understand women who smoke. I saw a video of Anna Nicole on just the other day where she's pushing around her baby in a stroller and Howard K. Stern is asking her if she's high on mushrooms. She's so out of it that she doesn't even understand what he's saying. He has to ask her 3 or 4 times the same question and she still doesn't get what he's saying. And the most sickening part about it is that the child is right there, pushing the stroller around and, at some point, I'm sure she was handling that child.

I knew she'd die like this but wasn't expecting it so soon. She was a train wreck waiting to happen. And the sickest part about it is that NO ONE did anything about this. How many ppl are coming forward NOW to talk about the drugs she was doing? All of them knew Howard K. Stern was giving them to her but no one did anything. But I guess when you have an addict, what can you do? You can't take it away from them because they'll get the drugs one way or another. It all reminds me of Elvis, to be honest. It seems all of these ppl have some type of death wish.

She lived her life in the wildest of ways it seems. Drugs, stripping, alcohol, Playboy spreads, Guess modeling, TV series w/ wild antics, men and more men, and then ... more drugs.

I feel sorry for her son... or did when he was alive. Everyone talked about how happy he was but each time I ever saw him on her show, he never looked happy. He looked embarrassed. Who wouldn't be embarrassed of a mother like that?!! I know I would. I can't even imagine it. He never smiled... and here he died from a combination of anti-depressants and methadone in his system. They're now saying that Howard K. Stern cleaned out his pockets the day he died and flushed more drugs down the toilet. They're even saying that he went to Anna's bedroom and got rid of some brown packet full of stuff that was hidden under her mattress and then flushed a bunch of drugs after her death. This all makes me think that he should be held for something. He was after her money, that's obvious. And now, even w/ death, he's trying to get everything he can get... from her home in the Bahamas to the yacht that she recently purchased... and the thing is... he'll take these as a swap for the baby - or so it's rumored.

Funny how they said that Larry Birkhead wasn't the baby's daddy but now it seems like he is. I knew he was. You could see it in the baby.

But what I don't understand is why Howard K. Stern is entitled to anything. He supplied drugs to Anna Nicole Smith and was nothing more than a pimp to her... so why does he deserve these things???

It all makes me sick. Her life or what there was of it makes me sick. I've always believed that what goes around comes around... and it seems like that's the case in this situation. Sad as it may be.

Monday, February 19, 2007


years ago, before having children, i could never understand mothers who did nothing but talk about their babies or children. but now... it seems that's all i focus on. isn't it interesting how life changes and what becomes important in one's life and what becomes insignificant?! seems that i spend my days changing diapers and tending to a little baby that sleeps, eats, and cries. nothing else seems to matter to me right now. i see why they say that motherhood changes you... because that, indeed, is true. i feel like a different person. my priorities are different, my concerns are different, my thoughts are different, my desires are different.... i'm a changed woman! ;)

life has been good. the baby is a sweet baby. he's sleeping right now on his daddy's belly... something that he basically refuses to do w/ me unless he's in a really good mood. usually he cries and pulls up his legs - wanting a different position and such and won't get comfortable when i try to do this w/ him. but when his daddy picks him up, he falls asleep and will lay like that for hours... his daddy can even burp him better than me... don't know how that can be, but it is.

i'm doing pretty good on my own. not sure that anyone believed i could do it - other than the hubby, friends and my family, but it's working. hashim helps me thru the night... we both get up to fix bottles, burp him and such, so it's going pretty well. my in-laws have been driving me insane, so i'm staying home for the time being. i think the baby could sense it because he would throw fits when we'd go there, and being home, he doesn't do that stuff. yeah, he gets upset when he has gas, which has been a lot lately, and crazy at it may sound, he's only been waking up once in the night and then sleeps until 6:30 in the morning most days - altho his last feeding time before you lay down to sleep is about midnight or a little later.

lastnight or early this morn., he woke up at 4 and wouldn't go back to sleep. i thought he'd never close his eyes as he was crying from gas pains.... but w/ a lot of soothing and rubbing of his tummy, he drifted off to sleep. he woke up again at 6:30, then at 8:30, and so on and so on. it sure makes for a tiring day.... you tend to find sleep when he sleeps and then wake up more tired than you were when you closed your eyes.... but.... it'll get better... it'll just take some time.

we both are tired.... the sun comes up fast when you're waking up throughout the night.... and wouldn't you know it... i used to suffer from insomnia, but now, all i want is sleep! :)

anyway... the baby is good... momma is good and daddy is good.

when tragedy strikes

last night, i guess about 11 p.m., i got two calls from my sister. since i had my phone on silent, it took me a bit to call her back. when i did, my BIL answered, sounding very serious and handed the phone to her. when she got on the phone, all i could hear was hysterical cries w/ her saying "he's dead".

i must say, whenever my sister calls and is crying, i immediately become panicked and think of all the worst scenarios, mainly my mother passing away or something serious happening to her.

when she said "he's dead", all i could think was "who".... and i had to get hold of myself and ask "what" so that i could fully understand what she was saying and then she told me thru sobs that her kitten, Greyson, had been killed by a car outside.

instead of being kind, like i should have, i immediately got mad and said, "why did you let him out" and then, "i told you not to let the cats out". she became hysterical and screamed at me and then hung up. i don't blame her.... i should have been totally different w/ her and completely regret how i acted, and have even apologized over and over to her.... but does it really make a difference? for a cat lover and someone who loves animals, and for someone that's been in the same situation, i should have never responded that way. but my pain for her was so severe that i let myself go to anger - because to hear the pain in her cries.... it was too much.

after probably 10 mins., she called me back. she was so upset. i hate to see my sister upset like this. i hate to hear that pain in her voice. she's like me and loves animals so very much. she's a really good furrbaby mamma.... so when something happens to one of her animals, the pain tends to be severe.

i told her how sorry i was for what i said, and that i was so sorry for what happened. instead of hiding my pain, like i usually do, i let myself feel it and cried w/ her.... she told me that Greyson was bad about minding and wouldn't stay inside, and that any time anyone opened the front door, he would dash out faster than you could blink an eye. but, on this morning, his stubborn behavior and feisty personality would prove deadly. it didn't seem to matter how many times she had sprayed water on him.. she even tried spanking him, but nothing worked - nothing would keep him inside that house. he had the type of personality that was bound to get him into trouble....

she got a knock on her door yesterday morning w/ a woman saying, "i think i killed your cat". it happened right in front of their house. i can't imagine leaving the house and being reminded of that.... i have had the same happen to me and each and every time i passed the place, i always imagined my cat getting ran over. it's a horrible feeling... a horrible thought... an unnecessary pain that lives on and on in your mind. through crying, my sister asked me, "why do ppl have to drive so fast down that street". i agree w/ her. one day, it's going to be a child that someone hits and then, maybe, they'll put in speed bumps or do something to stop the crazy driving.

my sis loved this little kitten more than anything. he was only about 7 mths old. he had beautiful dark grey fur... it was long and was the king of his castle, as all the other cats in the household could testify to.... he was a handful... scratching and tearing up some of her best pieces of furniture, trying to bite thru cables in the house, beating up on one of the older cats.... but... when he was sweet, there was nothing like him. he'd fall asleep right on top of you, right next to you... most nights sleeping in bed w/ my sister - under the covers matter of fact. and he loved my mom. when he was a little bitty kitten, he'd sleep w/ her.

my mom loved him just as much. she's in florida right now visiting family and when my sister called to tell her the tragic news, my mom broke down. my sister's daughter, who loves animals, like us, helped her daddy dig a grave for him next to the house and went out and bought flowers for the grave. i talked to her on the phone and she was sad, but seemed to be more upset for her mom.... that's the good thing about children.... the pain is less for them. i can remember getting over things so quickly as a young child. i had so many animals that died when i was young, but it seemed to only take a few hours to get over it... unlike now, when it takes me days and sometimes weeks... and, if the truth be known, i still mourn the death of some of my animals and will dream about them still.

last night, even though i'd try not to think about it, my thoughts kept going to my sister. i felt her pain.... knew how horrible she was feeling... for losing a beloved pet can be one of the hardest things to deal w/.... and i know that pain all too well. my heart weeps w/ her.... i know she loved that cat so much... we'd laugh so many times over the phone about him. my mom would tell me stories about how he would bite little pieces from her hands (not really, but my mom likes to blow up stories a bit)... and my sister still has scratch marks on her hands and arms from him. Greyson was a little hellion... he loved life. he'd run through their house, wouldn't mind anything my sister said... go out back in the yard and chase the other cats and make them all really upset. one of the cats that seemed to really hate him was searching the house for him as i was talking to my sister last night. my sister said she had sniffed his body. i wonder if the cat will mourn his death. i know when our little cat got hit by a car, our kitty, Amie, mourned that little cat for weeks it seemed.

today i wonder about my sister. i'll call her later tonight to see how she's doing. i hate asking because i don't want to bring up the pain... but it won't matter... for no matter if i ask or not, the pain is still there and will be there for a while to come. funny how this type of pain sticks w/ you long after the fact. i still think about all of my cats that have passed. me and hashim had one that got hit by a car... it was the worst feeling and it's something, as a pet lover, that you don't want to ever happen. we've lost another cat since living in bahrain and it was no easier. she suffered for a couple of weeks before passing. we have her buried outside... and i think of her all the time. i still feel pain in my heart for her.... i still miss her... i still love her. that love never dies.

i'm sorry dear sister for your pain. my heart is there for you.... and i only hope the pain is eased quickly.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Am I too jealous?

Tonight we all went over to my MILs.... everyone loves holding the baby... feeding him, changing him and such, and especially talking to him. Naief seems to enjoy it as much. I'm glad he's loved so much by everyone.

The night was going nicely when all of a sudden it was feeding time.... and once again the topic went to my not being able to breastfeed. I don't think anyone realizes that when you have a c-secion, it's very difficult to breastfeed or can take a good week or longer for anything to come. For a baby, this can be extremely difficult, especially if he's really hungry. A mistake I made was allowing them to formula feed him - even tho it was from a cup - it still gave him instant gratification whereas he had to work when he was w/ me and that's something he didn't want to do. So khalas, no breastfeeding. Now, it's not saying that Naief gave up immediately cuz he didn't, but he's not one for waiting.

Anyway... I'm off the point. No one at my in-law's house understands how much this has affected me. Believe me, I cried for days over it and even still when I look at Naief while he's taking the bottle, I wish it had gone differently, but it didn't.

Well... tonight.... of ALL the things that could be said to me, I was NOT expecting this one. It came right out of left field and almost floored me. My SIL offered and pretty much insisted, as well as my MIL, that she be able to breastfeed the baby!!! I thought I was dreaming. She has a two year old and is still nursing him.... so, she's primed and ready. She strongly offered to do this and then they went on about how Naief would be Hamoodi's (her son) brother, and then my MIL said that if my SIL brought a girl, they wouldn't be able to marry because they'd be brother and sister!!! I sat there hardlly believing what just hit me square in the face. Without a second thought, I said loudly and w/out hesitation ,"NO, no, no".

They just looked at me. I sit here and wonder now if they expected for me to say yes. How could I? Yes, it was an incredibly sweet gesture on my SILs part... thinking about it after the fact, I do realize that, but there is no way, and I mean NO WAY that I would allow her to breastfeed my baby.

Here I am feeling lousy for not being able to breastfeed, have made it known to them, and they want my SIL to breastfeed him. He's my child.... not hers. Why would I want my baby breastfeeding from her? I can't even imagine it. The thought of her holding him and him doing that.... I can't even stand the thought of it. Believe me, it would drive me insane if they had some type of control and were able to do this. I know, I'd go insane. Kidding here, but seriously.

I wonder if a lot of families do this. I know it was done years ago by the British... they'd have nurse nannies, I think that's what they called them. Their whole function was to do the breastfeeding.... and maybe other societies have done this or do it... and maybe it's a norm for some women and some wouldn't find issue with it... but I do. I wouldn't be able to take it. I think it would cause a ton of jealousy on my part.... because I, in no way, want my baby having that type of closeness w/ any other woman. Hell, I would never even allow a housemaid to take on any type of mothering role w/ him... ever.... for that matter... and they wouldn't even be doing that or wanting to do that.

I hope I didn't make her mad or offend her or my MIL, but, honestly, I wonder if they really expected for me to allow it. I know they weren't kidding.. they tried to say it in a light way, but still... they were not kidding.

I breathe a sigh of relief that this is not something that would be put upon me... something I would never be made to do because it would cause me such hard feelings. I wonder how a mother could do that... why a mother would allow that.... how she could give her child to another woman to feed from.... to bond with.... to create a closeness that I want no other woman to have w/ my son.

Maybe I'm too jealous.... What do you think?

Monday, February 12, 2007

here he is

this is my favorite of all of the pics so far. here he's taking his afternoon nap and he looks so peaceful. his favorite position for sleeping is like this... having his arms up by his head and his legs pulled up to his stomach. altho, he's starting to stretch out his legs more as the days pass.. but he always has his arms up by his head. he takes after his pappa here... who also sleeps like this.

he had just finished his first bath in these pics. he's calmed down here, so daddy got off a few pics. he loves to suck on his fingers.... and notice his hair - the little mohawk. i do it specially for him! ;) i love his hair.

i love the little thumb in the mouth. this pic doesn't show it, but he has the longest fingers.... his toes are long too... he takes after his father who has little monkey toes! ;)

here he's looking towards the camera. i think he's gonna be a ham.... he seems to love the camera! ;)

we have his first nudie pics and his daddy wanted to post them but i refused. imagine... he gets older and i tell him about the pics online, so he goes to search for them and what does he find?!! nudies of himself! ;)

happy day everyone!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

a new day

since the baby is sleeping, thought i'd send all of you a quick hello.

motherhood is everything and more. i knew i was in love w/ Naief before he was born, but nothing compares to when you set your eyes on the new baby for the first time. every day has been just another day for that love to build, and it's just wonderful.

all i can feel is love.... don't know how else to explain it.

we've had a few problems because the baby has jaundice and had to spend four days under phototherapy while in the hospital; we had to spend an extra night in the hospital because of it; have to go back to the hospital today to have his blood taken (which is a terrible thing to watch any baby go through) so it can be tested once again; and we'll also see the pediatrician. if his levels are high or have gone back up, i'm sure they'll readmit him into the hospital and we'll have to do the phototherapy. altho i know it is best for him, i hate the thought of it and can't stand leaving him there. i left him there the last day until 4 pm, and when i went back to try to feed, the dr. said we could take him home. now, i'm praying everything is ok today. he's not using the bathroom as much as i think he needs to be, so my real fear is that the levels haven't gone down and worked their way out of his system. i'll say this... motherhood brings a whole new set of worries, thoughts, anxieties, and has allowed me to see, for the first time, how precious life is (yeah, i saw it before.... but it's WAYYYYYY different now) and how my mother must have felt so many times. hashim says the same thing.... because when you have this little helpless baby that's having medical problems.... well... it's difficult. but, inshallah, all will be fine and he'll get a clean bill of health today. i so pray for this.

i'll have to tell ya, i love having him here w/ us, and, believe it or not, i'm not as tired as i thought i'd be.... which is good. but... check back in a week or more and i'm pretty sure you'll get another answer. ;) hashim has been doing good daddy duty.... he gets up w/ me, fixes the bottles and even helps to feed him and burp him. waking him up has been easier than i expected - cuz he's a heavy sleeper - but for as much as i doubted, he's shown me a whole new side of him. he's a good daddy and i love watching him w/ the baby. :)

i've also learned that no matter how much you want it to be - nothing is the way you thought it would be w/ a new baby. i know nothing is perfect in life but there was a big part of me that expected things to be "so and so" way or i thought that i'd have some semblance of control over things. one of those letdowns has been breastfeeding. it hasn't gone as planned and in the beginning it made me feel like a failure as a mother. i've gone to mainly formula now because he wasn't getting enough food and still isn't w/ me alone, and i'm getting to the point that i'm about to give up on breastfeeding all together. i saw a girl that was in my birthing class and she's had the same exact problems as me and opted to go w/ formula. it was good to hear someone else having the same problems, but even still..... i so wish it was different. i really wanted to create that bond.... but my mom tells me that the baby doesn't know the difference and not to fret because i'll still have a very special bond w/ the baby even though i'm using a bottle. it is a major disappointment though. and... the extra added benefit to breastfeeding is getting one's shape back faster... and now... well, i'm wondering how that'll go. but, w/ enough exercise, diet and such, anything can be accomplished...

the c-section was something ... well... that's another post. i'm feeling better though... getting around better, but still having pain. it'll be another 5 wks before things are a lot better.... so just a while. i will say though... it wasn't terrible... just freaks you out somewhat psychologically... if you let it.

anyway... once i get some pics downloaded, i'll post some of little Naief. he looks just like his daddy, but has my hair! ;) toooooo cute!!!

Saturday, February 03, 2007

the time has come

yes.... the time has come.

went to the dr. today for my weekly and because of the baby's size and because i've been having cramps which means i could go into labor at any moment, and because my dr. is only in the hospital/theatre tomorrow, we have decided to do the surgery tomorrow morning! so, i go into the hospital this evening and will have the surgery tomorrow morn. i just didn't want to chance going into labor and having another dr. deliver the baby. i feel very at ease w/ my dr. and the thought of someone else doing it... well, i'd rather just do it a week early.

i thought hashim would die sitting in the drs. office.... and here i'm the one having the baby! ;) but i guess the shock of it being early - even though it's only a week - took him by complete and utter surprise. me too really... i think i could go for another couple of months, but i know that it isn't possible.... i'm just scared of all the newness. i know things will be fine and we will adjust to the baby and all, but..... i have to be honest and say that i am somewhat freaking out a bit.

so... thought i'd leave a post trying to calm my nerves.... but i doubt that it will.


on a different note, we went to see The Last King of Scotland lastnight. we loved the movie. first, i really, really like Forest Whitaker. he's a great actor and he did an unbelievably fabulous job in this movie as the Ugandan tyrant, Idi Amin. i definitely think he deserves an Oscar for his performance and i hope he gets it. he was so believable in the role. the guy who played the Scottish guy/dr. deserves an Oscar nod as well, but i don't think he's up for anything. he was also terrific in his role, so much so that i could see him getting the best supporting actor Oscar but he's up for nothing, i believe, which is too bad. Gillian Andersen, of X-Files fame was also in the movie and even though her role was short, it was really great to see her in a big film. i always liked her in the X-Files.

so, without giving any spoilers, i'll just say that this Idi Amin was a complete and utter madman, a monster really. i didn't know anything about him prior to seeing the movie, but as the movie progressed, you saw him lose his mind pretty much. he was a scary guy. i can't imagine being there and working under him like this Scottish doctor. in the beginning, he seemed very nice and i even felt sorry for him at one point, but as time went on, you saw just how crazy he actually was and if you crossed him or the powers at be, then you died. simple as that. he was also killing thousands upon thousands of Ugandans - if i'm not mistaken, it was somewhere in the neighborhood of 300,000 people by the time he was exiled.

and i didn't know that Saudi Arabia allowed him to exile to their country.... funny, but they have an odd habit of allowing vicious dictators to come to their country coz didn't they put out the welcome mat for Saddam as well? but, hey, i think Bahrain did the same if i'm not mistaken.

anyway... the movie is terrific. this is one that you don't want to miss.