There are so many things on my mind. Tonight's one of those nights where my mind won't calm down, and even though I have tons I could write about, want to write about... I wonder if I'd ever be able to finish a thought, because everything seems to go so deep and is unending, it seems.
First things first... Naief is recovering from his 3rd sets of shots. Since the Ministry of Health rations out polio vaccines, he had to wait to get his until today. His injection site is so red and inflamed and he cries if you touch it. Poor little guy. He wakes up in the middle of dead sleep crying so hard... I figure he's having little babymares about all of it and I do my best to calm him, but he's like mommy and doesn't calm easily. But I hope that in a couple of days, the pain will have subsided, so his mood will be better and he'll feel better.
I've been trying to be a good auntie and have been taking Naief over to visit his cousin in the afternoons for the last few days. When I leave there, I find that I am constantly searching for an answer to something that can't be answered, for like I said, it's unending.
This is my nephew, Naief's cousin.
How else to say it, but to say it....?? He's a mean little boy. Before, when Naief was just a newborn, I found myself unable to deal w/ his ways and stopped going over there for a while. Now, after finding fabulous anti-anxiety meds, I have found a calmness somewhere in the sphere of this child's madness.
I say madness lightly... for I honestly don't want to be mean. I can be and have been in the past... but since getting to know him better, I feel more sadness and then a lot of anger... after he tries time after time to hurt the baby.... well, it sends me into a loss for what to do, how to act, what to say.... seriously, no book, no program, no body can prepare you for these sorts of things.
I find myself questioning my own style of raising my baby. I question all sorts of things... I question the environment in this country, traditions, religion... the fact that he's a boy... just so many things play into what is happening in my world.... be it as small as it is, it feels quite large at times and, again, unending.
No, I'm not hoping for the world to end, my life to end, the baby's life to end... nothing like that. Just for a few ppl to wake up and smell the roses and get a freakin CLUE as to how to raise a child.
No... It is far from easy - raising a child that is. Yeah, I had lots of advice to give prior to having children - many times to my own sister, which she didn't appreciate it... but maybe, somewhere in the back of her mind, she listened. Maybe.
Well... I'm at place w/ this issue that I just can't see going anywhere unless I try to tear down the very fabric from which it's built - this little boy.
Honestly, my mind is going 100 mph w/ all the thoughts tossing around when it comes to this child, his mother, his father... and the housemaids/nannies/babysitters. I've been watching all of it for days now. Participating, playing, swinging, reading, giving kisses/sugars, tickling, singing... just anything and everything to make this little boy happy around my son. But, he's jealous. Not all the time, but most of the time. Now... I might add, just to be catty... I'm the only one, other than the housemaids, that sit on the floor w/ this child. I'm the only one that plays w/ this child, other than the housemaid(s), maybe two at one time... depending. I'm the only one that doesn't give my child to a housemaid and go in w/ the adults and let them raise a child. See... I'll tell a little secret... I was raised that children should not be heard, but seen - which isn't the best school of thought... so I don't want you guys to think that I have all the answers because I don't.
I can at least dream, right??
In my childhood, we could play in the same room w/ my mom and my mom even played games w/ us or my aunts or uncles, and I had tons of cousins and such and we all pretty much spent all of our time together because there was never a babysitter from another country looking after the kids. So... this is my background when comparing what I see here... and the books I've read and studied in school.... but again, NOTHING PREPARES YOU FOR LIFE!
Today, when we first get there, H is so excited and will run up to give Naief a kiss, and it's really sweet. The thing is, he becomes somewhat uncontrollable soon after this and makes for a very busy day. Anything and everything I bring for Naief, H wants it. That's ok, I believe in sharing toys - H wasn't taught. I give him some of my juice, my green tea, and today I read three books to him in English (he speaks arabic w/ a little, tiny amount of english - but i know i can teach him... just give me a few months! :) ) Anyway... He sat on my lap while I read and we pointed to the pictures, made the sounds of the animals and I showed him other things in order to know what I was saying... it was very sweet. He actually loved it and didn't move a muscle. I pointed at everything, explained everything, even tickled him w/ the fizzies that where in his mug... he laughed and so enjoyed it. H watches me, I've noticed. I think I'm the only one that he'll mind but then he gets mad because I tell him no to doing something (like hitting the baby) and he'll go out of his way to be mean to Naief. He kisses me and listens to me like no one else. But... whenever any attention is paid on Naief, he becomes a little insane monster filled w/ jealousy, that's awarded to the baby like a prize, and he'll either start trying to kick him, try to bite him, pinch him as hard as he can, try to slap him or hit him w/ objects, or just scream until he gets what he wants, which is usually to try to hurt Naief.
I think I've become the Super Nanny. ;) I laugh, but seriously. I watch her all the time and I'm trying some of her moves on H. I get down to his level, w/ the baby in my arms and tell him why he shouldn't do this or that, I try to explain why we don't bite and to give kisses instead... and that Naief is a little baby and to be nice. he listens for a brief second and then tries it again - just on someone else this time, which is usually the housemaid watching him... and it's back to the same old ways as soon as his mom comes in.
I wish she'd take the child in her arms. Hold him, kiss him.... so many things really, but like i said, I won't be catty. I will add though, that she's also very bad about trying to make her son jealous about Naief. i told her today... like i said... but God only knows if it sunk in. Don't get me wrong... I like her. She's nice, funny, friendly, dances a wildly beautiful belly dance.... but... she's a first time mom and is probably not knowing what to do to tame this wild animal herself.
Maybe I could teach a different way of doing things to the boy?? Who would I teach it to? My SIL and insult her? The housemaids... do they care? Would they even understand me?!! Even w/ these possibilties, I still find myself wondering: How do you change a child when you're w/ them for approx. 2 hrs a day, if that, and if they and everyone around them like it just the way it is?
Does anyone think it possible? if so, please... I'm open for advice.
I know Ramadan is coming soon and I'm a bit anxious about all of this. There's so many things about it that's causing me stress... but... something will happen, and we'll figure it out. For those of you that don't know... it's a full month at your parent's/in-laws' house.... so naief will be going there, for the most part, a full month... and then it's to the other relatives' house, which I enjoy, but... phew... a lot of stress.
This little American that hasn't had a sit down w/ her brothers and sisters since.... hmmmmm..... I don't even know the year, and STILL isn't used to all of this. But, I love Naief and I love Hashim.... so I will at least try.... maybe a change can happen?? you think??
Ok, my Valerian root has kicked in... so I'm tired and off to bed.
Good night... sweet dreams