well... w/ so many things happening in the world right now, it's hard for me to think about things to write about, feeling like most of what i could write would be just dribble w/ no meaning.
i guess i could talk about the difficulty of being an american in the middle east right now. the difficulty that i face w/in myself as i walk down the halls of my office w/ so many bahraini men sitting on the sofas watching the news of the war in lebanon (they have the TV blaring every day)... i walk by knowing that many hate israel and the u.s. and wondering what they say because i'm an american.
i know that what is happening in lebanon is not my fault and there's nothing i can do to stop it... but i feel that we are blamed - even as individuals. not by all but by some... and i can feel it as i walk past some ppl and it's not a good feeling. i find that i get angry sometimes at ppl's lack of understanding and then, at times, i want to hide my head in shame.... but then i push myself to walk tall and know that i am not responsible for this and if they want to hate me, then they will hate me. my husband says that they will never say anything to me because i'm married to an arab... but still.
before this war broke out in lebanon, i was sometimes asked by some why the american ppl don't protest and get the govt to stop what they're doing in iraq. why don't the families of the soldiers do something and insist that their children be brought home. i sit and don't know what to say to such questions. i feel that nothing i say will be good enough. ppl do protest in the u.s.... ppl do speak out but it falls on deaf ears.
now w/ lebanon and the u.s.' support behind israel... the one group of ppl that many arabs love to hate... i find that i get even more of a sense of isolution. a feeling of being an outsider looking in... of being alone. it's a difficult feeling at times. i don't get this at home or when i'm out, but i get it a lot at work. i'm the only american here... ppl didn't like it when i was hired. it was a secret for a while, matter of fact. i wasn't allowed to do some things for fear that the media might find out and report that i'm working here... which all makes for a pleasant working atmosphere. (on a side note - it's never been a horrible working atmosphere here - just w/ a few individuals that don't bother me now - unlike the atmosphere of where i used to work - so much jealousy from ppl because i was an american working there)
in the beginning, when i first started working here, i had ppl come right up and ask me how i got this job.... what were my qualifications... who did i know. it all used to piss me off, to be frank. and now... w/ this war, i feel like an outsider again. i don't like this feeling, altho i try not to think about it, except when i have to pass all the men sitting out watching the news coverage.
anyway.... it's all very depressing... the war... the killings. i hate war.